Sad Eggman
by Wario the TableMan
Summary: A tale about learning to respect those you never thought deserved it in the first place. It may sound farfetchd, but maybe the big bad Eggman isn't really the bad guy everyone makes him out to be...


The sky was burning bright and the tails on the butts were there. The great man sighed at his window and thought about life as it occurred. His name was Eggman and he was the determined one. "I must want to kill that hedgehog because of my glory." Dr. Eggman pulled out a chainsaw and cut up a pumpkin. He made it have a face and prepared it with the most of Halloween decoratives. Eggman slipped on a banana peel and slid into the kitchen. He accidentally sliced up the refrigerator and the pickle jar died. Eggman wept bitterly for the deead pickles and held them all to his nose. He sniffed each pickle up the nostril and cried the mucus out substantially.

Bokkun walked in with a brand new issue of Better Homes and Gardens. He whipped open the first page and screamed because there was an advertisement to meet Samus Aran in real life. Bokkun had a suer-mega crush on that woman and loved her as a bounty hunter. He ran up to his Papa Eggman and smacked the cheeses. "Dr. Eggman! I want to meet my Sammy!"

Dr. Eggman turned to Bokkun with tears filling his eyes eternally. He still had the pickles inserted into the nasal orifices and was dripping tiny bits of snootz down each Kevin. He cried harder and gave Bokkun a big hug. He pulled out a flyswatter and blew his nose on it. The pickles shot forth and landed in the fishbowl. The fish in said bowl munched on their early dinner and then swam around to sing songs about their delicious feast that they so much loved. The fish suddenly grew legs due to the power of the moistened pickles. The fish stepped out of the fishbowl and realized they could breathe outside of water.

"That is a miracle!" said Bokkun as he stroked his elegant beard that he did not have. Instead he stroked Eggman's mustache and thought about the greatness before them. "I think they are alive!"

"What is this magic?" said Eggman. "No… It cannot be stupid magic. This must have a scientific explanation. Eggman pulled out a calendar and checked the date. "According to this calendar, it is February 14th! This is a holiday and it's unbelievable!"

"Does it explain why these fish are out and about?"

"Yes, Bokkun. The truth is that this day… Is the same day that I was born on!"

"But Dr. Eggman! You can't have been born on this day! It is the day of love!" Bokkun started to cry. He held back the tears, but it was getting difficult. He finally lost control and wept in an excruciating manner. His tears fell like the giant water bombs from Super Mario 64 and the tears started filling the house with puddles of woe. Eggman got some twist ties out of the kitchen cabinet and tied one on each mustache. He pulled them back around his face so that they met behind his head. Now he looked to be sporting a rather ravaging ponytail. Dr. Eggman also took off his glasses and revealed his hot eyes. He put on a fedora and brushed his teeth.

"Bokkun, quit your bellyaching and be cool!" Dr. Eggman said as he changed into some neat threads. He wore a sleek jacket with leather pants and also platform shoes. "We're going to start a new thing in the world and it is going to benefit the economy!" Bokkun reached for a bottle of shampoo and wiped it on his ears. He slicked the ears back and sang with soul that sounded like John Travolta. "Tell me more, Bokie!"

Dr. Eggman, Bokkun, and the fish then stepped out of the lab and started strolling through Metropolis like a bunch of sweet honeys. Dr. Eggman was starting to look hotter than a hickory smoke sausage and was nearly a lady-killer.

Bokkun was getting good at looking swell too. He pulled out a harmonica and played a little ditty for Eggman to groove to. The fish danced like backup dancers and Eggman started singing like a Korean Boy Band. "Lovely day, eh, ladies?" said Eggman with a totally righteous smirk.

"Hey! That is horrid!" wailed Sonic the Hedgehog. "My gut is evil to me because I feel like I have to puke! You're new look is horrendous Egghead. I wish you were gone from this planet and you had no one to love you. I wish that your funeral was lonely and you had no coffin! I wish that you were left to rot after you broke your leg and nobody would fix it. I know you're a doctor, but I hope your hands get frozen in ice cubes so that you are in immense pain with that broken leg. That is because you cannot save yourself if your hands are useless! I also wish some monkey stole your glasses during this time and teased you with it! I hope he smacks his flingmakers right in front of your sorry mug so you'll cry about the torture. I wish you had a horrible life and all your friends disliked you! I also hope Knuckles would steal all your personal belongings and set them on fire! That way you would have nothing to live for and your whole robotic family would be left with nothing. I would also make it even more terrible to have all your robot's memories wiped so they would never remember you as their dad! That way no one would remember you and you'd be the biggest loser ever!"

Dr. Eggman, Bokkun, and the fish stopped dancing and just looked at Sonic. "Wow… that was actually really, really harsh and completely uncalled for…" said Eggman.

"Sheesh, Sonic! What was that!?" said Bokkun disgusted with Sonic's sudden outburst.

"Hey, I'll play with you some other time!" said Sonic stupidly as he ran up to Eggman and kicked him in the batoot.

"Not cool," said Knuckles as he walked up to Sonic and punched him the face. "You may not like Eggman, but saying those things was both hurtful and unnice. Friendship is not open when you act like that. Acting friendly is the key to happiness."

"Yes, Sonic," said Vector brushing his crocodile teeth so he looked hot for his date with Vanilla the Rabbit later that night. "I think you owe Eggman an apology, Sir Sonic."

"I'm too cool to give out those kinda dorky messages!" squealed Sonic like a nimrod.

"You almost made me cry. Now I'm mad at you for not acting like a good lad in any way shape or form," said Eggman. He beckoned to Bokkun and the fish to come back home with him. Eggman was pretty mad that Sonic had ruined his day.

"Hmph!" scoffed Knuckles. "Nice one, Dr. Sensitive!"

"You really messed up, Sonic!" roared Vector. "What if he decides to do a really bad thing due to your immature arrogance?"

"HhAHAHHAHAHAHAHAhahaaHAhAHa!" laughed Sonic like a demented kookaburra. "FAT CHANCE! HAHA! Just like Egghead's GUT! He may have an IQ of 300, but he's no genius who'd ever think of how to pull that one off properly! YEAH!" Sonic ran away and jumped into the sky. "I'M A SONIC HERO!"

Five days later…

So much fire…

So much Chaos…

The city that one could once hope to escape from was no more. Instead it was covered in debris from once towering buildings. Sonic stood amongst the wreckage and stared down at the destruction. He clenched his fists tightly and growled internally. He then jumped up and dashed toward those responsible for this madness: the two giant mechanical monstrosities laying waste throughout their maniacal rampage. Hopefully Sonic and an unlikely pal from the past would be able to cease the terror raining down upon the once flourishing lands…

JOIN THE RESISTANCE


End file.
